You Get to Choose
Life gets better when your decisions are clear.
I was in my hometown of Adelaide recently for a family celebration and had the opportunity to enjoy some quality time with my 10 year old niece Sophie by taking her shopping for a wardrobe update.
We went wandering through the first store, selected a few items and entered the change room to try them on. As I was hanging the clothes on the hooks I commented how beautiful some of the items looked. As Sophie started to take her shoes off she looked up at me and said:
“Yes they look good, but some things make me itchy. I’ll decide if I want them”.
As someone with a history of being challenged around asking for what I want, her response gave me goosebumps.
I said 'give me a high five! It's so good that you know what you want - it makes shopping for clothes so much easier!"
I think she was a little surprised to see my reaction to a statement that otherwise might have seemed a bit defiant.
And this is the thing.
We're often taught that stating what we want is selfish. Or we may have had the experience that when we do state what we want, our reality is denied as we've been told we don't actually want what we say we want. We then end up getting confused and start second guessing ourself. The connection between our inner knowing and our outer voice starts to weaken.
And this weakening of connection means we can find it hard to make decisions for ourselves.
In her best selling book Untamed, Glennon Doyle gives a poignant example. After finding out her husband was cheating on her, she found herself typing into the internet one day "what should I do if my husband is a cheater but also an amazing Dad?"
She then stared at the question wondering if she had hit a new rock bottom.
"I’ve just asked the internet to make the most important and personal decision of my life. Why do I trust everyone else on Earth more than I trust myself? WHERE THE HELL IS MY SELF? When did I lose touch with her?"
It's a story that resonates. I remember years ago having just started dating my husband and being at a family picnic talking to some of his relatives. He then stood up from the table and said he was going to catch up with some of the others. As he started moving away I said "should I come too or should I stay here?"
My gut immediately reacted - what was I saying? Why was I asking him whether I should stay where I was or follow him? WHY WAS I OUTSOURCING MY DECISION MAKING TO SOMEONE ELSE?
Knowing what you want and what makes you happy, and stating this out loud, is a skill worth celebrating.
On our shopping expedition, Sophie was taking a stand for what she wanted – and she was letting me know. She was speaking up for herself. There was no unhelpful, people pleasing inner critic getting in her way!
It was a reminder that we all get to choose. We get to choose what we want to buy, wear, invest in, the people we spend time with, the places we go and the jobs we accept. It's our choice to make. But sometimes we lose connection with ourselves and it's then that we can forget.
Exercising your decision making muscle by regularly making choices is one way to maintain your self-connection and therefore the strength of your authentic voice.
When someone asks 'what do you want?' and gives you a choice, try making a decision. Notice if you find yourself saying "I don't mind - you choose". It's this latter response that has you handing your decision-making power over to someone else.
In each and every moment, you have the power to decide for yourself. You have the power to choose.
Decide and speak up, and by doing this over and over again, you'll become stronger, more resilient, more certain and more trusting of yourself. You will begin to become fireproof.
As author John Patrick Hickey said: “Choice is the greatest power in the Universe; and it’s all yours.”