What Do You Want?
Why We Don't Know and Don't Ask
A few years ago I was lucky to be gifted a signed copy of Everything You Want, a practical and inspiring book written by motivatonal speaker and leadership expert Lisa O'Neill.
In the first few pages she says that as a child, her nickname was 'Princess Iwanta'. From an early age she had a deep sense of what she wanted - and she wasn't afraid to ask for it.
While Lisa has always carried the ability to connect with, and ask for what she wants, the book is based on her understanding that this in not usual and in fact for most people 'wanting' is audacious.
She says: "We've been taught that it is not ok to want, that we cannot have what we want. Indeed, we should not even ask for it."
These sentiments are echoed by Kemi Nekvapil in her book The Gift of Asking.
Nekvapil highlights that one of the key challenges with asking for what you want is that it is often associated with feelings of guilt.
The dictionary defines guilt as "a feeling you are responsible for doing something wrong".
How do you get to the point where asking for what you want feels like misguided behaviour?
Nekvapil says one of the key contributors are the messages heard growing up that place a high degree of value on being 'good'. Phrases such as: 'Never make a fuss.' 'Do not upset anyone.' 'Don't draw attention to yourself'. 'Don't rock the boat'. 'Just be good.'
Being told to 'be grateful for what you've got' is another contributor that can trigger feelings of guilt when asking for your needs to be met.
If this has been your experience, it's highly possible that not only have you not given yourself permission to ask for what you want, but you may have even lost touch with what your wants and needs are.
Creating time and space to work out your goals and desires, then taking courageous steps toward bringing them into reality is key to living a more joyful, rewarding and fulfilling life.
If this challenge resonates with you, below are a few suggestions to help you get started on the path to more audacious asking.
Begin by answering the following three questions.
What do you want to do, be and have more of?
What do you want to do, be and have less of?
Who do you want to hang out with and who do you want to let go of?
Then start speaking up and asking for your wants and needs to be met by:
Practising out loud - read out your wants and needs as if you were speaking to someone. This helps bring the feeling of asking into your body so you can begin to feel more comfortable with it.
Start asking for small things e.g. ask for more water in a restaurant or a late checkout in a hotel
Make a time to meet with a key person in your life to talk about your wants and needs. Let them know the purpose of your catch-up so when you do meet, the seed is already planted.
Give yourself to permission to speak up for what you want, value your worth and then start asking. You've got this.