Take Charge
Stop Pleasing, Start Leading
A well dressed friend inspired me to book in for a styling session at a major department store last year suggesting it as a useful way to update my wardrobe.
Feeling like a change, I thought I'd give it a go.
On the day of the appointment, the stylist did a few laps of the store, returning with armfuls of clothes to try on. These included, as my friend had indicated, a few items I would never have picked for myself.
The stylist was very complimentary as I tried these on, encouraging me to invest in these 'basics' as 'they go with everything'.
While they looked ok, I knew in my gut they weren't my style.
Despite this feeling however, I walked away not only with these two items in my bag, but quite a few more.
As soon as I re-tried them at home my gut came back at me: "I told you so!"
Reflecting on the experience, I had given up my power to the stylist by allowing her opinion to influence my choices, despite knowing they weren't right for me.
This is one of the ways people pleasing shows up in life - ignoring your gut feeling and holding back on what you really want to say in an effort to please others and avoid rocking the boat.
The consequences at work can be more costly than a dent in your credit card, or having to spend time returning items that you knew you didn't want.
In teams, people pleasing leads to group think, contributes to feelings of resentment and consistently triggers negative self-talk that gets in the way of optimal levels of performance and productivity.
Personally, people pleasing, if repeated regularly over time, can be one of the habits that leads to a life of regrets.
If you can relate, it's useful to know that as a behaviour it is extremely common. One recent survey found 92% of people exhibit at least one people pleasing trait and two-thirds often go to great lengths to avoid conflict and/or put other people’s needs ahead of their own.
Symptoms of people pleasing include:
A strong desire to be liked by others.
Feeling resentful, used or taken advantage of.
Frequently seeking reassurance that you are accepted and liked.
Saying yes even though you want to say no.
Putting the needs of others ahead of your own
A strong desire to rescue others.
A feeling that expressing your own needs is selfish.
If these habits sound familiar, there are many ways to tackle them. Simply being aware of when they show up is a useful starting point. Another is to start practising the art of saying 'no'.
Acknowledging that it can be uncomfortable to turn down other people's requests, disagree with their opinion or put yourself first, here are a few useful phrases that may be of value.
That's not going to work for me
Unfortunately my schedule is full this week/today/this month
I can't commit to that right now but I'd love to help in some other way
That's not something I can do
Let me think about that and get back to you (use this if you need more time to consider your response)
As Glennon Doyle, author of Untamed says, it's when you finally learn that pleasing the world is impossible that you become free to learn how to please yourself.