Unsolicited Advice
Holding space and staying in your power
I recently joined a new yoga studio. It's a beautiful space with high ceilings, majestic wooden doors and graceful teachers who are all well versed in the philosophy of yoga.
In a class on the weekend the instructor was explaining one of the founding principles of yoga is 'truth' - the idea that when you practise, you do it in a way that feels true for your body.
It's from this persepctive we're consistently invited to wriggle and re-position ourselves within each pose to honour what our body needs.
I love this way of approaching the practise.
Rather than blindly following the instructor, they're simply there as a guide.
I have a loooooong way to go to master Bakasana (and many others!) but in the meantime, what I've noticed is that this way of teaching gives me a sense of agency. I feel in control of my practise and know it's my choices and decisions that will create my results.
It's a useful philosophy that could equally be applied to our communication - particularly when it comes to unsolicited advice.
If you've ever shared a challenge with a friend, then felt a slight jolt in your body when they've jumped in with a solution, you'll know what I mean.
For example, you've talked about your problem and they've said:
“Well, if I were you, I would......”
“Have you tried eating kale?”
“Maybe you should do x”
“It might be better to.....”
"What I found useful when I faced this was..."
This never feels good.
Why?
Because unsolicited advice reduces your sense of agency.
When we share something personal what we're often looking for is not a solution, but for our listener to simply hold space.
Holding space means being with someone elses emotions without trying to fix or change them. It means listening, asking questions and if requested, being a guide. Just like a yoga teacher, providing the space for wriggling and moving and for trying on what what works best for them.
It's about standing back and recognising that their truth may be different to yours.
To put this into practise, here are 3 things that might be useful.
1. When you're the listener - simply listen and be fully present. Nod, demonstrate understanding and be empathetic. Allow the person to express themselves free of judgement.
2. When you're sharing your thoughts and feelings. If you want to share but you don't want advice, you can state what you need before you start speaking. You could say something like:
“Do you have time to listen to me right now? I’m not looking for advice, I just need to get something off my chest.”
3. When you do receive unsolicited advice.
Rather than letting unsolicited advice dent your sense of agency, try responding in a way that helps you stay in your power.
For example, you might say: “Thank you for your thoughts. I’m not looking for advice right now but I appreciate that you care.”
Stay on your mat, be a good listener, stand in your power, and let what works best simply unfold.