The Paradox of Keeping the Peace

How external trade-offs create internal conflicts

One of the habits that blocks authentic self expression is not speaking up for yourself for the sake of keeping the peace.

Peace in your outer environment, in the form of the status quo, can be quite tempting. When you avoid voicing your concerns, needs and opinions because they might rock the boat, you get to remain in the comfort zone. 

However, while avoidance of potential conflict is the short term pay off, what is the longer term trade-off?

According to Carol Gilligan in her classic book In A Different Voice, whenever you choose to restrict your expression for the sake of keeping the peace, you are either consciously, or unconsciously, perpetuating a way of living founded on disconnection.

The price of keeping the peace externally, is the creation of conflict internally.

The authentic voice within - the part of you that wants to speak and express itself - starts fighting with the scared and habitual part that's holding you back.

A war ignites on the inside. 

When this inner conflict perpetuates, the short term benefit of sitting in the comfort zone gradually erodes. It gets replaced by a wall of separation that develops between your authentic self and your presented self - the self you project to the world that believes fitting in to keep the peace is of greater value than the personal freedom you experience when you say what's on your mind.

What can you do?

If you're looking to live a more vibrant, fully self expressed life, whenever keeping the peace means giving up your authenticity, your job is to push back and speak up.

Author and podcaster Glennon Doyle calls this shortening the gap between 'the knowing' and 'the doing'.  It's in that gap that the pain and disconnection lies.

Like any new habit this requires practise. 

You can start by noticing when you hold back from expressing yourself because you'd rather keep the peace.  Then observe how your body feels in the moment you make the choice not to speak.  Do you feel a pit in your stomach? A wave of disappointment? A slight separation between you and the people or person you're with?

Reflect, then consider how you could address this next time.  Set yourself small, actionable goals to help you move past the temptation of maintaining peace on the outside, at the cost of your peace on the inside.

Remember, you're worth it - and your voice matters.