The Myth of Perfectionism
Being yourself is the difference
A few years ago I was invited to speak at a global conference in Milan. At the time, it was a dream come true. The conference represented everything I was interested in and the opportunity to be part of the program had me super-excited.
As soon as my spot was confirmed I started preparing the presentation, putting together draft after draft, going over and over the content, changing it, editing, discarding one idea, putting in another, scrapping that and going back to the original.
On the long flight from Sydney to Milan I worked on it constantly, fiddling with the content right up until the morning of the presentation.
Suffice to say, once I walked onto the stage all that pent up perfecting bubbled over into what felt like a non-sensical word salad as my brain ducked and weaved trying to recall which bits I had left in and which ones I had finally decided to leave out.
I was spiralling in a vortex of perfectionism.
Feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and energetically zapped, what I now know from the experience (and others like it) is that paradoxically, the more you strive, prove and perfect, the further away you get from where you truly want to be.
Perfectionism, as an ideal, is a myth.
In fact striving to be perfect is a cover up for an underlying fear of not being good enough. As long as your work, your creations, or how you show up in the world is 'perfect' according to the standards you've set for yourself, you get to avoid the truth of who you are - a perfectly imperfect human being.
No-one is perfect and your value as a person doesn't depend on it.
Elizabeth Gilbert explains it well in her book Big Magic where she says:
“Perfectionism is just fear in fancy shoes and a mink coat, pretending to be elegant when actually it's just terrified.”
Your sub-conscious is terrified that you won't be liked, loved, belong or accepted if you're imperfect. It uses what sound like acceptable excuses to prevent you from exposing yourself, and to lower the risk of any damage when you do.
If you find yourself saying "It's not perfect enough", "It's not ready yet", "It needs more work" it's likely you can relate.
The good news is that you're not alone (I'm with you on this) and it's partly not your fault.
You may have been lead down the pathway of perfectionism by being trained to believe that 'good-ness' and 'right-ness' are strategies for garnering love, attention and a sense of belonging.
Being praised for getting things right, following the rules, excelling at something - whether it's sport, maths, tidying your room or the way you use your cutlery - all contribute.
Acknowledgement feels good so you keep striving to reproduce it. However projecting a persona based on societies expectations cuts you off from your authentic self expression.
It's exhausting and it doesn't serve you.
Perfectionism costs. Some of the ways this plays out include:
Never putting your creations out into the world
Not showing up authentically
Perpetuating a sense of self-esteem based on a projected and protected, false image
Not embracing your humanity
Perpetuating a belief that your value is dependent on what you produce, how you look and what you do, rather than who you are
Feeling a sense of separation - seesawing between feelings of superiority and inferiority
The myth of perfectionism ends up blocking the very thing you want - to be seen, heard and valued as your authentic self.
As Adam Kurtz said in this 99U talk:
"Nobody cares how talented you are. Being yourself is the difference."