Arresting the Critical Self Talk Spiral
Dealing with Unhelpful Inner Narratives
We all know critical self talk drags you down and holds you back.
It gets in the way of performing at your best, trying new things and is a major contributor to self-silencing - the withdrawal that happens when you’re unsure, uncertain, fearful and doubtful.
While much of the time you may face down your demons and rationalize your way back to a point of compassion, sometimes the negative inner commentary can spiral out of control.
Just like a bike picking up speed as it heads downhill, the way you speak to yourself can gather momentum.
Why does this happen?
According to Ethan Kross, author of Chatter - The Voice in Our Heard, Why It Matters and How to Harness It, when we focus on a negative aspect of our experience, it activates a related negative thought, which activates another negative thought, and another, and so on. He calls this the domino effect.
Emotional experiences from the past are governed by principles of associationism, which means that related concepts are linked together in our mind.
An example of how this occurs was highlighted recently by one of my coaching clients when she shared her thoughts after presenting at a company event.
“I was reflecting on how I went and started with a few points of criticism about how I should’ve done better. I was questioning how my voice sounded and feeling frustrated with my nervousness. Then this quickly spiralled into catastrophizing, fed by all these old memories.
I was saying things like “I’ll never be any good at presenting.” And “Why am I always like this?”
I ended up feeling quite down and disheartened by the end of the day and it took me well into the next day before I was able to pick myself up again.”
Reflecting on the negative aspects of a situation first, can trigger the critical self-talk spiral. This drags you down and you start shrinking and contracting.
The longer you withdraw however, the more your ability to lead, influence and enjoy life diminishes. The critical self-talk spiral gets in the way of your relationships, your career and making the difference you’d like to make.
You're not alone. We all have critical self-talk.
Of the 6,200 thoughts we have in a day, 80% of them are negative or repetitive.
The key is not to try and rid yourself of all unhelpful self-talk. Rather, it's about experimenting with different strategies to help you get back on an even keel faster and be calmly and confidently showing up again in relationships, the workplace and all your valuable interactions.
Here's a few suggestions that might be useful:
Start any post-event reflections positively. If you've done or said something and are reflecting on how you went, consider the things you did well, first. Save the 'areas for improvement' until after you're clear about the positives. Be your own best cheer leader.
When the negative thoughts arise, notice them but don’t fight them. The more you resist, the more your unhelpful thoughts will persist. In his book Letting Go of Nothing, author Peter Russell suggests letting unhelpful feelings in and letting them be. The same goes for unhelpful thoughts. Let them in and let them be. Put down your weapons, sit back and observe what you’re saying to yourself. What is the nature of the language you are using? Where are your thoughts coming from?
Allow the time and space you need to get to a point of calmness. What works for me is to sit with the thoughts and emotions in my own private space and let them fully express themselves. Emotion is energy is motion so after letting thoughts and feelings in and letting them be, you might like to also let them out. This can be useful to bring you to a point of peace and calmness. Give yourself time and space for this.
Find the voice of compassion. According to world renowned compassion expert Dr Kristen Neff, people with higher levels of self compassion are more resilient when faced with life challenges. When you get to a place of compassion you can begin to rise again.
Be aware of the critical self-talk spiral and practise closing the gap between the downward trend and the rise again. Reduce the time spent withdrawing and self-silencing and get back on the court of life faster.
This takes practise and it's highly worthwhile because in work and life, your presence, and your voice matter.